When the residents of Westphalia-on-Sea awoke on Monday 19th January they could hardly believe their eyes and ears. After so much bad news about the credit crunch, the recession and how their town was one flush away from disappearing around the U-bend it seemed unbelievable that there were no less that three supermen on their way to save them. Firstly, and most importantly, their illustrious and supremely popular mayor was back from his holiday in South Africa with his batteries fully recharged. Secondly, the aforementioned mayor had devoted his fortnightly column to an explanation of how wonderful the new president of the USA would be, and how he would probably save Westphalia-on-Sea. And thirdly, there was news that the messiah himself, Pierre De Saveloy, was not only going to re-open the Unsavoury Arms, but was going to be involved in many other projects as well. Given a whistlestop tour of the area, Mr De Saveloy said: 'Everything is fantastic. The Mayoral Vision is fantastic. The balloon is fantastic. The By-Pass will be fantastic. The parking meters are fantastic. Wreck Walk is fantastic, particularly the blue screens. That derelict building called the Palm Court is fantastic, but that Abbey on the seafront just blew me away. I mean, it needs a little jazzing up, to move it out of that fusty old National Trust mentality and give it more of an Alton Towers feel. I think we could have a theme in one of the rooms, you know, this is where Henry the Sixth murdered half of his eight wives, or something like that. And we could put the Turin Shroud in another room - I've got a couple of those in the garage, I think. Round the whole experience off with a cream tea served by topless Polish waitresses, and I think you've got yourself a fun day out for all the family.' Mr De Saveloy went on to praise the councillors who had passed his planning applications (surely 'who had shown him around? - Ed) 'This team of councillors? Well, words fail me. 'Fantastic' doesn't really begin to hint at the high esteem in which I hold them. They're like private sector whizz kids. They've got the get-up-and-go attitude that you rarely see outside the hedge-fund investment arena. I just can't believe that people of this quality are just councillors. The talent you've got here, it just beggars belief.'
The councillors were equally enamoured with Mr De Saveloy:'He's just got so much money,' said one. 'It's amazing. He must be so brilliant. I mean, when you've got that much money, well, everything you say is true isn't it? He's a man that just goes around doing good, and healing the people that he touches and stuff, and he's chosen to come here, and now he says it will all be wonderful. Well, I'm close to tears. First a black man in the White House, and now this. He said he wanted to visit Fishhole and we said we'd drive him over there, but he insisted on walking. And he just stepped out onto the water and started strolling across the Bay. At first we thought he was standing on a lot of thick seaweed and old tampons matted together, but it wasn't a trick - he really can walk on water.'
Of course, all this excellent news was delivered to the residents of Westphalia-on-Sea by the Westphalia Express, which is a by-word for balanced journalism. They did their research as thoroughly as ever and found out everything the possibly could about Mr De Saveloy. Every tenuous link with the area was found, even the fact that his fifth child had been born at the Westphalia-on-Sea Hospital, but for reasons best known to their reporter, Tony Crows-Feet, he had not found out about all the bad stuff. Perhaps he hadn't gone on 'Timesonline' and typed in 'De Saveloy', or perhaps he had read the words 'has been forced to admit his empire collapsed with debts of more than £700m' and 'shortfall to creditors of £186m' and thought they would rather spoil the general feel-good aspect of the story. Who knows? There were probably sound journalistic reasons for not mentioning it.
Chapter 65 In which the mayor sends an email to deal with the emergency
Dear residents of the Cote de Westphalia and loyal Panglossian subjects
Out here in my little holiday hideaway I have been following the news at home via that wonderful invention the internet, so decided I should email you all to put your minds at rest and reassure you that the crisis caused by the recession is in good hands.
First of all we need to stop being so negative. Everyone knows that if you say that bad things are going to happen they will. We all need to look on the bright side, like I did when I predicted that the Cote de Westphalia wouldn't be affected as badly as the rest of the country. Obviously I was talking a load of utter twaddle, but it was upbeat, look-on-the-bright-side twaddle. And anyway, I think I was right in a way - let me use myself as an example: I'm a working man, just like everybody else, and I haven't been made redundant. I can still afford holidays in South Africa, so I'd say from that little snapshot of life down here we aren't doing too badly.
There does seem to be rather too much focus on shops closing down at the moment. I don't know why this is, because this town is definitely not dying on its arse, but I have decided to take some action here. With this is mind we are sending the bosses of M & S a copy of the Mayoral Vision. I'm sure once Sir Stuart Rose flicks through that he'll be straight on the blower to me saying it was all a huge mistake. This is a win-win situation, becase in the unlikely event that this strategy is unsuccessful Sir Stuart will have a lovely coffee table book to remember us by. No doubt he'll be feeling the pinch a little, so when he comes to book his summer holiday he's bound to choose us. He'll probably be keen to come somewhere that doesn't have an M & S so he can feel he's really getting away from work.
On to tourism. Now there do seem to be a few people out there who think we are all incompetent, and that we need some kind of new strategy. Well, I'm always up for a big idea, as you all know, so I have no problem rubber-stamping any decision to bring in some consultants to get us on the right track. And of course we'd be creating some jobs, and damn good jobs at that, because these consultants don't come cheap - I've seen some of the bills, and it makes your eyes water, it really does.
Now the next item is the museum in Fishhole. When I first heard about all this I said:'A museum? In Fishhole? You're having a laugh, aren't you? Who'd want to go there?'. Well, nobody, apparently, so we're closing it down. We can't afford to spend £11,000 on something like that. Money is tight. You people have got to learn this lesson. It's like my mother always used to say: 'Sometimes you can't have both museums and consultants - you have to choose'. And of course mumsy was right, and given the choice, and I think I speak for everyone, we'd all rather have consultants.
Now I couldn't end this message without mentioning parking. Traders are claiming that they have noticed a fall in customer numbers since the parking charges were introduced. This is not a proper survey carried out by consultants and therefore has absolutely no validity whatsoever. If you want reliable statistics you have to hire a firm of consultants who know what they're doing. You can't rely on anecdotal evidence provided by a load of traders who are standing around idly in their shops staring into their empty tills. That's just barmy. In fact the sooner these miseries go out of business and close their shops down the better. Then we can maybe put in some new state-of-the-art office pods where people can do real business with desks and phones and computers and stuff, and I can have my photo taken outside and we can stick it in the paper with a caption saying 'progress' or something.
Lastly, of course, there are all my conservative colleagues arguing about the role of civic chairman and who's going to the ball, and all the rest of it. Well, all I can say is this: if you elect a load of doddery old wannabe politicians who are still living in the 70s, what do you expect?
I hope this message has allayed all your fears, and that you now feel secure knowing that Pangloss is watching over his flock, even from afar.
With all best wishes
Dr Pangloss
Out here in my little holiday hideaway I have been following the news at home via that wonderful invention the internet, so decided I should email you all to put your minds at rest and reassure you that the crisis caused by the recession is in good hands.
First of all we need to stop being so negative. Everyone knows that if you say that bad things are going to happen they will. We all need to look on the bright side, like I did when I predicted that the Cote de Westphalia wouldn't be affected as badly as the rest of the country. Obviously I was talking a load of utter twaddle, but it was upbeat, look-on-the-bright-side twaddle. And anyway, I think I was right in a way - let me use myself as an example: I'm a working man, just like everybody else, and I haven't been made redundant. I can still afford holidays in South Africa, so I'd say from that little snapshot of life down here we aren't doing too badly.
There does seem to be rather too much focus on shops closing down at the moment. I don't know why this is, because this town is definitely not dying on its arse, but I have decided to take some action here. With this is mind we are sending the bosses of M & S a copy of the Mayoral Vision. I'm sure once Sir Stuart Rose flicks through that he'll be straight on the blower to me saying it was all a huge mistake. This is a win-win situation, becase in the unlikely event that this strategy is unsuccessful Sir Stuart will have a lovely coffee table book to remember us by. No doubt he'll be feeling the pinch a little, so when he comes to book his summer holiday he's bound to choose us. He'll probably be keen to come somewhere that doesn't have an M & S so he can feel he's really getting away from work.
On to tourism. Now there do seem to be a few people out there who think we are all incompetent, and that we need some kind of new strategy. Well, I'm always up for a big idea, as you all know, so I have no problem rubber-stamping any decision to bring in some consultants to get us on the right track. And of course we'd be creating some jobs, and damn good jobs at that, because these consultants don't come cheap - I've seen some of the bills, and it makes your eyes water, it really does.
Now the next item is the museum in Fishhole. When I first heard about all this I said:'A museum? In Fishhole? You're having a laugh, aren't you? Who'd want to go there?'. Well, nobody, apparently, so we're closing it down. We can't afford to spend £11,000 on something like that. Money is tight. You people have got to learn this lesson. It's like my mother always used to say: 'Sometimes you can't have both museums and consultants - you have to choose'. And of course mumsy was right, and given the choice, and I think I speak for everyone, we'd all rather have consultants.
Now I couldn't end this message without mentioning parking. Traders are claiming that they have noticed a fall in customer numbers since the parking charges were introduced. This is not a proper survey carried out by consultants and therefore has absolutely no validity whatsoever. If you want reliable statistics you have to hire a firm of consultants who know what they're doing. You can't rely on anecdotal evidence provided by a load of traders who are standing around idly in their shops staring into their empty tills. That's just barmy. In fact the sooner these miseries go out of business and close their shops down the better. Then we can maybe put in some new state-of-the-art office pods where people can do real business with desks and phones and computers and stuff, and I can have my photo taken outside and we can stick it in the paper with a caption saying 'progress' or something.
Lastly, of course, there are all my conservative colleagues arguing about the role of civic chairman and who's going to the ball, and all the rest of it. Well, all I can say is this: if you elect a load of doddery old wannabe politicians who are still living in the 70s, what do you expect?
I hope this message has allayed all your fears, and that you now feel secure knowing that Pangloss is watching over his flock, even from afar.
With all best wishes
Dr Pangloss
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