THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS

After all the excitement, and controversy, of the Mayoral Vision project it's good to stand back and take note of all the achievements of the last couple of years, topped off by the excellent news that the Cote de Westphalia is back at the top of the league.

I refer, of course, to today's news that we have the highest teenage pregnancy rates in the country outside London. This is a marvellous shot in the arm for the area, and we should all be very grateful to these schoolchildren for sacrificing their youth in order to provide the next generation of workers to fill the vacancies that we will undoubtedly create. Yes, instead of going out partying in the few pubs and bars that remain open in the town centre, these teenagers will be at home caring for the croupiers and balloon operators of tomorrow. Some may think they're mad, starting families at such a tender age, but who can blame them? With such a dynamic programme unfolding in Westphalia-on-Sea is it any wonder that they want to have more family members who can benefit from the 'trickle down wealth' effect that all this investment will surely bring? Yes, by the time these Westphalian infants reach adulthood they will almost certainly be able to walk along the seafront without a hard hat. And their parents will look up at the cliff, point and say: 'I can remember when that ugly and dangerous cliff face was covered in beautiful trees and illuminated with coloured lights'.

But I digress. Today, coming rather aptly as it does two days before Mothers' Day, is a celebration of birth, life, families, regeneration and renaissance. It is not about about silly indiscretions after half a bottle of Lambrusco. At a time when the country as a whole is suffering from a declining birthrate, here in Westphalia-on-Sea our teenagers are popping them out like there's no tomorrow. We are bucking the trend, and sending out a strong message to the rest of the country: 'Westphalia-on-Sea is open for business, and a bit of how's-your-father as well.' We should make the most of this boost in publicity, and I have just the idea for another visionary project which cashes in on our obvious strength in this area - fertility clinics and sperm banks.

I can just see the slogans now: 'SEA AIR PUTS LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL' and 'THE PLACE TO GET PREGGERS'. People will flock back here if they think the place is associated with virility and manliness, and I think that is the image I have created since my time in office began. A sperm bank, right on the seafront, halfway between the dangerous cliff face and the balloon, will be an obvious attraction to any professional women who have left it a little bit late to get pregnant by more, ahem, conventional means. With the fashion for designer babies, we would obviously have a celebrity section in the bank, where the rich and famous can come along after spending a terrific night at the casino and leave a donation. I believe there is also considerable demand for the sperm of people with exceptionally high IQs, so yours truly may be making a donation soon as well - I just hope the newspapers don't turn the event into some cheap story with a tasteless headline.

Yes, this really is a great day, and once again we have proved the naysayers wrong. It won't happen overnight, but I foresee a time in Westphalia-on-Sea when all our girls are pregnant when they leave school, even the fat mingers. So it's not just casinos, balloons, beach resorts and new hotels - there will be something for everybody in the Westphalia-on-Sea of tomorrow.

Dr Pangloss
Mayor of Westphalia-on-Sea