Chapter 55 In which Pangloss and Hatter decide to shake things up

It was a pleasant August morning that found Dr Pangloss busy at his desk in the Town Hall. In Westphalia-on-Sea 'a pleasant August morning' meant that the rain was nothing more than a fine drizzle and motorists didn't need to have their headlights on in the morning. Of course, it was far too windy for the balloon to be flying, and nobody was allowed in the sea because of the recent 'turd warning', but apart from that the Westphalians had very little to complain about. There was a knock at the door, and before Pangloss could shout 'come in', his faithful deputy, Ahmad Hatter, appeared before him.
"'Ey up, Pangloss," said Hatter, "'Aven't seem my masonic regalia, 'ave you? I'm supposed to be down at the Lodge in half an hour and I can't find my apron, my tie-pin or my pointy hat."
"Sorry old chap, I haven't. I must say I've never really seen the attraction in your little secret society. Can't you just cut a couple of eyeholes in a sheet and rig something temporary up?"
"Cut a bloody sheet up?! This is the Freemasons, not a bloody fancy dress party or a primary school play! Oh, you just don't understand. Anyway, what's tha doin' with that list?"
"Oh, I'm just sorting out the photo shoots we need to do this week for the Westphalia Express. Let's see, they want someone to wave a flag in front of the land train - I think that's definitely one for me - they'll want a smiley face. Certificate presentations to volunteers, ditto, and an awards presentation over at Soldaway Mansion; me again. Now, the horrendous cost of repairing Wreck Walk; I think that's more your thing - they'll be wanting a serious face, and you've got the moustache for it. Oh, another story about Wreck Walk - how it's one of my greatest achievements - I'll do that, another smiley face. Now what about this business about selling off the Downs? The locals seem to be kicking up a fuss, so I think that's another one for you."
"Bloody locals. I tell you one thing: this place would be a lot off better all round if we just got of the bloody locals. They're just a bunch of wingeing bastards trying to stop the march of progress. They don't appreciate bricks and bloody mortar, that's their trouble. Too bloody sentimental about a bit of grass and a play park. I'm sick to bloody death of their 'where are the kids going play?' and 'will these new houses spoil my view?' and all the rest of it."
"Now, now Ahmad, don't go upsetting yourself. You know I don't like the locals any more than you do, but they're an irritating fact of life that we just have to accept. Try to think of them as tourists that refuse to go home or something. We've jst got to keep focused and remain in control. I know - why don't you go off to your little meeting with the Grand Wizard and all the rest of them, and when you come back we'll do something wacky. You know, mix things up a bit, let everyone know that we're still in charge and not to be messed with."
"You mean a little show of strength? Now you're talking my language. What shall we do? Find some more covenants to break? Sell another beach?"
"No, we've already done all that. We need something new. I know. Let's find someone who's doing a good job and sack them."
"Oh, the old reshuffle joke?" asked Hatter. "That would work. It's always been a favourite of mine. Keeps people on their toes and stops them getting too big for their boots as well. Any ideas who?"
"Well the Head of Tourism seems to be doing a good job ..."
"Right, let's take her out then. That should send out the message loud and clear that we are mad, bad and dangerous to know."
"Yes, that should wrong-foot just about everyone," agreed the Mayor. "God, I love this job, and I've still got over two and a half years in office left!"