Down at the Town Hall Dr Pangloss was feeling rather light-headed after having had two glasses of champagne on an empty stomach at the launch of his new blueprint for Westphalia-on-Sea. Now back in his office with the team from complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions he was feeling more upbeat than he had for a long time.
'You know, he said, 'I don't want to tell you your job or anything, but I think you should change your name - it's a bit of a mouthful.'
'Just you leave the name changing and rebranding to us, the experts, replied Derek Poundsign. 'Name changing is a very skilled job, especially when you sometimes have to quickly change a name back and hope that nobody notices. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with our name - those five words sum us up perfectly.'
'Oh, OK. Well it was only a suggestion. Anyway, how did you think the launch went?'
'Who for - you or us?' asked Derek.
'Well, me, of course.'
'Difficult to say, at this stage. Of course we've had the favourable report in the Westphalia Express, but that no indication of how people feel. No, we have to wait to judge the reaction. These high profile launches and reports are all very well, but they can be a bit of a high risk strategy.'
'How do you mean?'
'Well, if you publicise something and make it available on the internet you risk someone actually reading it.'
'What's wrong with that?'
'Well, they'll quickly realise it's all bollocks, of course.'
'Oh, blimey, I hadn't thought of that. Well, if it's high risk for me, how do you, the consultants, come out of it?'
'Oh, we came out of it very well,' said Derek, grinning from ear to ear. 'I think the technical term for our position is 'win-win'. We've managed to move things along in everyone's mind from a 'vision' to a blueprint' without anything actually happening. This is being presented as the next stage of a big plan. It creates the impression that things are actually changing, when they aren't. We've come up with another long-winded document that makes 'suggestions' and says what 'could' happen. It's vague, and makes no definite promises, and even if we did make promises it would be up to you to deliver them, not us. Then of course, there's your relationship with us - now you're so far down the line with these daft ideas you can't stop using our services. You'll notice we've started to mention 'specialist project delivery teams' and 'setting up an urban regeneration company' - there are going to be plenty of new initiatives which we will have to oversee.'
'Well, you're suddenly being very candid, Mr Poundsign. It appears you have me over a barrel, and think you can carry on squeezing taxpayers' money out of me until the coffers run dry. What makes you so sure I won't dispense with your services?'
'Mainly the fact that you are utterly clueless and incapable of coming up with any ideas of your own.'
Dr Pangloss suddenly felt a griping pain in his stomach, excused himself and headed for the toilet near his office. When he emerged Toby Throgmorton was waiting outside.
'I'd give it ten minutes or so if I were you,' said Dr Pangloss, his cheeks reddening slightly, as he headed back to his office.
(to be continued)
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Looks like the Black Country has a consultants' vision too!
http://www.expressandstar.com/2008/01/12/radical-rebrand-planned-for-area/
The consultants, I mean experts, here in Piddlebackside appear to rather dodgy. I hope Pangloss didn't employ the same people?
This is the complete article on the Midlands 'vision'.
A radical plan to change the face of the Black Country over the next 30 years is set to be given the go-ahead by the Government on Tuesday.
Dudley will be rebranded as a centre for tourism and heritage as part of the project described as the most important for the Black Country in the last four decades.
Wolverhampton is set to become the region’s centre of excellence for education, Brierley Hill, which includes Merry Hill, will be considered a capital for shopping, West Bromwich and Walsall will specialise in culture, arts and entertainment.
The Secretary of State is set to endorse the Vision of the Black Country study on Tuesday, with plans to transform the area’s landscape and economic fortunes.
It is hoped minister Hazel Blears, pictured, will endorse the project, which includes plans for Wolverhampton, Walsall, West Bromwich and Brierley Hill to become hubs for office and shop development creating thousands of new jobs.
Work is expected to start this year on the Dudley bid to enhance its heritage.
Opening up development opportunities will plough £8 million pounds worth of investment into the town over the next five years.
Dudley Council leader David Caunt said: “The announcement on Tuesday will be the most important for the Black Country in the past 40 years.”
The study also proposes the four town centres should be linked to transport networks including bus, rail and the metro.
The plan is for around 30,000 new houses to be built alongside these transport corridors meaning people will live within walking or cycling distance from public transport.
Note that the familiar-sounding project is also described as a 'vision'. Could it be the same consultancy firm recycling the above plan and presenting it to Westphalia as the 'Mayor's Vision'?
'Dudley Council leader David Caunt'. Surely they must be the subject of a satire up there - what are the chances of a council leaders with a perfect anagram for a surname?
I'd love to see the artwork for the Black Country 'vision, just to see if it bears any similarities to the Westphalia 'vision'. They have a slightly different outlook on life up there; for example, the mayor of Wolverhampton positively encourages his nickname of 'One-ball Phil', so I'm sure Dudley's mayor hasn't missed the possibilities of his personal anagram!
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