Chapter 49 In which Hatter deals with the tosspot petitioner

Ahmad Hatter rapped firmly on Dr Pangloss's door, and on hearing a croaky 'come in' he pushed it open.
''Ey up,' said Ahmad. 'Are tha feeling any better?'
'A bit,' croaked Dr Pangloss, curled up on the sofa wrapped in a duvet with Chairman Miaow on his lap, 'but I certainly won't be able to come out in public for a while.'
'Oh, don't you worry about that, replied Ahmad. 'I've been filling in, and making a pretty good job of it.'
'Really? What have you been doing?'
'Well, I gave an official response to that little tosspot with the petition.'
'Oh, yes, now that was a tricky situation which we were wondering how to play. Needed a bit of sensitive handling. What did you say?'
'I told him he could stick 'is foocking petition up 'is arse, for all we care.'
'You did what?' said Pangloss, suddenly sitting up. 'Not in such colourful terms, I hope?'
'Oh no, I were all tactful, like. I said it didn't matter if they got 10,000 signatures, because it's all done.'
'But that's nearly twice as many votes as i got. You can't just dismiss that amount of people. They'll say I'm being autocratic.'
'Auto- what?'
'Autocratic. Oh, for God's sake. Did you ever go to school? Someone who conducts affairs without reference to the wishes of others. A bloody dictator.'
'They can't say that. You won the election, fair and square.'
'Yes, and so did Hitler the first time, but he isn't exactly remembered fondly, is he? I may have won, but not many people voted for me.'
'Hey, don't you go going soft on me,' said Ahmad. It's time for the iron fist, not the velvet glove. Where I come from you build first and ask question later. Especially if one of those questions is 'is it OK to build on this land? No, up north you put you hard hat on, get your theodolite out and start taking levels before the protesters have had time to fill a bloody thermos.'
'Get your what out?'
'Theodolite. Oh, not so bloody clever now, are we, Mr university boy? It's an instrument used by surveyors.'
'Oh, I see. And the people who have signed the petition, what are they saying?'
'Oh the usual stuff about a corrupt political leader who's trying to hang on to power even though he's lost the support of the people and his former political allies.'
'I don't mean what's happening in Zimbabwe, I mean what's happening in Westphalia-on-Sea?'
'I know. That's what I'm talking about.'
'Oh my God, I think I can feel one of my turns coming on. I feel cold as a razor blade, tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum. Run to the bedroom, in the suitcase on the left you'll find my favourite pills. Don't look so frightened, Hatter, this is just a passing phase, just one of my bad days. Now go out and don't disturb me.'
'OK, said Ahmad, quite relieved to be leaving. 'When do you think you'll be ready to come back?'
'The way I'm feeling right now, I'd say twenty-eleven.'
'You mean eleven minutes past eight tonight?' asked Hatter.
'No, I mean 2011. Just in time for the election.'