Chapter 58 In which a planning application goes 'tits up'

September in Westphalia-on-Sea was shaping up to be a pretty normal affair: the few tourists that had bothered to visit had all gone home, and right on cue the rain had dried up and the sun had come out. Sitting across the desk from Dr Pangloss in his spacious office at the Town Hall was John Staedtler, who had come down to see exactly how much blood was on the carpet after the Tory group had collectively axed their leader.
"OK, let's get this straight right from the outset," began the Mayor, "Ahmad Hatter will definitely stay on as deputy mayor. There is nobody in the group who has asked me or suggested to me that he should not be in that role." He added: "His contribution in the past few years has been absolutely outstanding. It is a great shame that people are judged by one or two things that go wrong or one or two comments rather than the huge amount of good things that he has done."
"Can you give me an example?" asked Staedtler.
"Well, he's going to be remembered for things like Wreck Walk and covenant-breaking, isn't he, whereas what we should be celebrating is his no-nonsense, straight-talking and iron-fist approach."
"Some people might call it an arrogant, rude and bullying approach?" suggested Staedtler.
" Oh, without a doubt, it's that style which has partly led to his downfall," said the Mayor quickly, "but all that 'ee-by-'eck-well-I'll-go-t' foot-of-our-stairs-where-there's-muck-there's-brass-and-I speak-as-I-find-type thing gave life in the Town Hall a certain rustic charm. Goodness me, I hardly knew what he was on about half the time. They certainly didn't talk like that at my prep school, I can tell you. They didn't really do 'blunt northerners' at the schools I went to."
"I see. So why are you keeping him on as Deputy Mayor if more than half of his own party don't seem to like him much and don't want him as their leader?"
"Now look, let's not get bogged down in the semantics of this business - probably best just to gloss over that question, if you don't mind. Politics is a funny old business, and I'm sure it can all seem rather strange for an outsider looking in, but the truth of the matter is this: it is entirely possible for someone to be doing an excellent job and enjoy the full support of their cabinet colleagues, and still be asked to stand down when they get back from holiday. It's a bit like a surprise retirement party thrown by all your friends."
"Hmm, I'm not entirely sure I follow you," said Staedtler, scratching his head. So you're saying they've all done him a big favour, and he's very happy about it?"
"Happy? Happy? Ecstatic, I'd say. Over the moon. Pleased as punch. A chance to spend more time with the family, a spot of gardening, put the old CD collection in alphabetical order, all that sort of thing. It's a real opportunity for him. Once the votes had been counted he very quickly grabbed the opportunity not to be leader anymore - it was that simple."
"And he doesn't bear any grudges?"
"Grudges? No, nooo. Under that gruff exterior he's just a big old pussycat. A cuddly teddy bear. A sleepy koala bear. A little tiny dormouse ..."
"Yes, I get the picture ..." said Staedtler, looking up from his notepad.
Just then the Councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups burst in. "Oh, sorry, am I interrupting? It's just that I've come across a small problem with the planning application for Wreck Walk."
"Can't this wait?" asked Pangloss, trying to indicate that he was with a journalist.
"Well, not really. It''s all turning into a bit of a mess."
"Ooh, it's not connected with parking fines, is it?" interjected Staedtler. "Just thinking 'Another fine mess' would make a good headline."
"No it's nothing to do with parking fines," said the Cllr FUC-U. "It's section 16 on the planning application. It says 'Are there any trees or hedges on the proposed development site? And then it says 'Are there trees or hedges on land adjacent to the proposed development site that could influence the development or might be important as part of the local landscape character?'"
"Hmm, that might pose a small problem ...," mused Pangloss.
"Wait, there's more. It says 'if yes to either or both of the above, you will need to provide a full Tree Survey, with accompanying plan before your application can be determined. Your Local Planning Authority should make clear on its website what the survey should contain, etc., etc."
"OK," said Pangloss, "let me see if I've got this right. We've already cut down every tree on Wreck Walk, permanently closed half the road and made the cliff unstable and now we think we shouldn't have because we didn't follow the necessary planning procedures?"
"That's it in a nutshell, boss. Imagine if it was a member of the public wanting to do something on their land which involved cutting down trees. Well, it would be like them chopping all the trees down first, and then coming to us and putting in a planning application, wouldn't it? We wouldn't be very happy, would we?"
"No, but there again, a member of the public probably wouldn't be stupid enough to go round chopping trees down willy-nilly without permission, would they?"
"No, I suppose not. Anyway, what are we going to do?"
"What are we going to do? What are you going to do, more like. I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to have you face, with a suitably glum expression on it, superimposed on a picture of Wreck Walk for the front page of the Westphalia Express. My face will appear in the relative safety of page five, doing my usual amateur dramatics or certificate presentation, or judging a novelty cake competition, or some such. I can't get involved in all that rocks and trees stuff. By the way, whatever became of my 'Grot-Busting' initiative aimed at preventing eyesores around the Bay? Did that bloke in Fishhole ever get round to repainting his house? It was an absolute disgrace, it really was."