"There really is no pleasing some people, is there?" sighed a very frustrated and close-to-the-end-of-his-tether Dr Pangloss as he screwed the copy of the Westphalia Express he had just been reading into a loose ball and sent it skidding across the polished parquet floor of his office. "You try and do something positive that will bring a few quid into the council's coffers, something that will really invigorate the town centres at a crucial time, something that will greatly increase the number of shoppers, and do you get any thanks? Of course you don't. All you get is a procession of fossils from the last century saying 'we can't afford it', 'I used to shop there but I won't anymore', and 'this is the last nail in the coffin for Eastphalia'. Talk about negative. What's a couple of quid? Christ on a bike! If I dropped a couple of quid I wouldn't risk putting my back out to pick it up. It's small change in this day and age. Fair enough if you want to sit in your car drinking lukewarm tea while staring out at the English Channel, but you've got to expect to pay for it. There are no free lunches anymore. Especially not in the 21st century. You've got to pay for everything. In fact paying for things can actually enhance your enjoyment. It adds value. Any consultant worth his salt will tell you that. Things you pay for must ipso facto have some inherent value, and are therefore much more fun than things which are free. This measure is actually increasing everyone's pleasure, but where's the support? Where are the letters saying 'hats off to Dr Pangloss - this time he's got it absolutely right!' or 'Three cheers for Dr Pangloss - I'd much rather pay to park!' Nowhere. Abso-bloody-lutely nowhere. It makes me ruddy sick ..."
"Are tha' talking to me lad?" asked Ahmad Hatter, as he stirred in the chair opposite. "What's tha' wittering on abat?"
"Parking meters, the bloody parking meters, of course. Nobody seems to appreciate them, or the fantastic opportunity they represent," replied Pangloss.
"Oh, don't get me started on them ungrateful bloody locals," replied Hatter. "They were just t' bloody same when I told them where they could stick their bloody covenants. Not a ruddy word of thanks I got for that."
Just then the councillor For Unbelievable Cock-Ups burst in. "Good news Your Worshipfulness!" he beamed. "We're going to reduce car parking charges in the run-up to Christmas."
"What's the point of that? Only a little while ago you told us that putting up parking charges was good for business."
"Oh you didn't believe that old tosh, did you?" asked the cllr FUC-U. "Don't be silly - we all know people hate parking charges. No, now you have to go on record saying that lower charges are a good thing."
"Well what shall I say?"
"Oh, I don't know; what about something like this: 'It will hopefully lead to an upturn in trade and encourage more people to come into the Cote de Westphalia to do their shopping'."
"Why yes," said Pangloss, "I rather like that. Wait a minute, won't they spot that we've completed changed our stance on parking charges?"
"No," smirked the cllr FUC-U, "because I've got this - ", and with a little flurry he rolled in a giant 50p piece made of lightweight plastic and said 'Ta - Da'."
"What's that?" aske the Mayor.
"50 pence" replied the cllr FUC-U. "We have our photo taken with it. It will distract the readers and they will never actually realise that this measure actually proves that we are completely and utterly wrong about the net result of parking charges, i.e. that they will ultimately adversely affect local businesses."
"Splendid idea!" said Pangloss, almost shouting. "Let's get down to the ticket machine - I love a good photoshoot!"
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2 comments:
Are you sure reducing parking charges will lead to more people visiting "Torbay", it would be strange that they would go there rather than Westphalia, or are you saying, surely not that these are the same place. I suppose it could be we here in Torbay have an elected mayor, and a passion for consultants, and on street parking meters popping up all over the shop!!!
I appreciate it is an account of events in a ficticious location but mention of Torbay in chapter 59really does confirm my suspicions it is that 'visionary', totally useless, roll-on-the-elections council to which you rightly refer without mercy. Cock-up land never has had such a bunch of utterly useless leaders. Time they waded into the water at Torre Abbey Sands (if they can avoid the seaweed that hardly ever gets cleaned off the primary beach in the region). It wouldn't be too long before they were out of their depth. Come to think of it they might as well stay on dry land because they've already long since proved to the community charge payers they've been out of their depth for ages.
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