"Come in, come in," said a welcoming Dr Pangloss as he ushered his latest consultant into his office.
"What was it you wanted to see me about?" asked the slightly bemused Christine Custard, head of Rhubarb & Custard, the firm of consultants which had won the contract to draw up the Cote de Westphalia's latest tourism strategy.
"Well, I just wanted a sneak preview of what you are going to say in your tourism briefing at the Conference, Recreation And Performance Centre - what are you going to say to the good people who turn up at the C.R.A.P. Centre to listen to your words of wisdom?"
"Well we'll start by saying that we can turn the Cote de Westphalia's tourism industry around within five years, and that the place has the potential to become Britain's premier resort."
"Blimey, that's optimistic," gasped Pangloss, as a shrill whistle escaped his lips. "Can it really be done?"
"Oh yes, we believe the place could be Britain's premier resort within five to 10 years."
"Hang on," said Pangloss, "you said 'within five years' just now ..."
"Five years? Ten years? What's the difference?" asked Ms Custard.
"Well it's double, isn't it? That's quite an important detail, I'd have thought."
"Details, shmee-tails, who give's a rat's ass? Don't start trying to pin me down on details. I'm here to give a powerpoint presentation, to show people the bigger picture."
"But I thought the Devil was in the detail. I used to say that a lot."
"Not in consultancy, my friend, not in consultancy. The best consultancy is a pure art form. It is not infected with the ugly contaminating force of details. I'll thank you not to mention details again."
"Oh, OK," said a rather chastised Pangloss.
"Early on in the talk I'll throw in the old branding issue and say that needs to be tackled."
"Oh, branding again?" remarked Pangloss. "Our last consultants said that too. They cost us a pretty penny, I can tell you."
"Which firm was that?" asked Custard, suddenly on the defensive.
"Complete Commercial Upgrades and New Town Solutions - heard of them?"
"Yeah, I think we used to call them something else, though. Now what was it? No, it's gone. Anyway, what do they know about branding? They couldn't consult their way out of a paper bag."
"Really?" said Pangloss.
"Amateurs, the lot of them. Bet they told you to change the name of the place, didn't they? Rename the station and pretend it's in the middle of the town? Become a city?"
"Well yes. they did actually. I must say I liked those idea a lot. I even had a special name for them. I called them 'my vision'."
"You what? You're having a fucking laugh, aren't you? Well, vision or not, you'd better start disliking those ideas, because they're shit."
"Blimey, right, well, you're the boss, I suppose. What are you going to do about branding then?"
"I don't know yet, do I? I'll scribble something on the back of a fag packet in a minute. Look, I'm just going to say 'your branding needs some work' for the moment, and leave it at that. No need for details; details are for pussies."
"So you're the resort's new tourism consultant - what else are you going to say to the business people at the special tourism presentation?"
"I'll say 'You have to embrace the importance of this review because changes are happening,' and 'if you don't embrace those changes there are going to be some quite big problems'."
"Doesn't that all sound a bit meaningless?"
"Maybe it does, but we're hired now, so I can say whatever I like. I'll go on to say that we need their support and we greatly value their input. That's coded shorthand for 'actually it's you who will have to get yourselves out of this mess, because we will just give a few presentations and then bugger off when our cheque's cleared'. I might even say that we want to help them and build on what they have achieved so far, and that they should be very proud of what they have achieved so far, but I'm not sure, because it's sounds quite condescending and will have half the audience reaching for the sick bags."
"Hm, I see what you mean. Will you be using any jargon? You know, that 'management-speak'?"
"Oh yes, how about this: 'the strategy will try to identify what is working, and then to refresh the existing with the aim of reversing the decline in numbers and visitor spend which the Bay has suffered'"
"Yes, that's great. But what does it mean?"
"It just means we'll try and find out what's wrong and then try and do something about it."
"Oh. Couldn't we just do that ourselves?"
"Don't be ridiculous. You can't have any Tom Dick or Harry walking around the place deciding what's wrong and then making cheap suggestions about how to put it right."
"Why not?"
"Because it's skilled consultancy work, that's why. You have to be able to follow it up with a powerpoint presentation and accept a big fat cheque for your troubles."
"Well, anyway, what are the solutions?"
"Don't jump the gun. We don't really focus on solutions, especially at this early stage. First we've got to have some findings."
"Findings?"
"Yes, findings. Stuff that we find out. Like the fact that you are perceived currently as having a problem with alcoholism, too many old people, and too many yobs. That will probably all go into our findings."
"But you haven't had to find that out. That's just comon knowledge. Everybody knows those things, and much more besides."
"Well, what everybody knows doesn't interest us. This isn't about what local people know - it's about the findings of a consultant. And when a consultant presents you with their findings, what do you think you have to do?"
"Er,... believe in them?" stammered Pangloss, hesitatingly.
"That's right, you're learning, you have to believe in their findings, you have to live and breathe them, they are not to gather dust on any top shelf."
"But that's where we keep our consultants' findings," protested Pangloss. "Mainly because up til now they've always been shit."
"Well, rest assured we'll come up with some good findings all right. We'll probably find that everybody goes on holiday abroad because it hotter and they can get cheap flights."
"But that's just common knowledge again. You can't charge us for saying stuff like that. It's not fair."
"Look Dr Pangloss," said Ms Custard through gritted teeth. "I'm the consultant here, not you, and I'll decide what my bloody findings are going to be, all right?"
"A-l-l right," stammered Pangloss. "There's no need to be aggressive."
"Another finding will be that between 40 and 50 per cent of shopping in tourist areas is done by visitors."
"Oh, come on, you can't be serious? You're coming to a tourist area, and telling the people who live here that half of the stuff aimed at tourists and sold in gift shops in touristy areas is bought by ... TOURISTS! You can't charge people for telling them the bleeding obvious!"
"We can and we will. In fact, we have - you've already paid the first installment. And I'll tell you something else too - you have some serious gaps in the tourism offer which are holding you back, and if you continue to allow numbers to decline, shops will continue to close."
"You don't say," said Pangloss wearily.
"Oh I do say," replied Ms Custard, "and while tourism is estimated to be worth £400million to the area, we want to research the exact figure because we believe it is higher."
"But what's the point of that? We know tourism is important. What the point of wasting time on that?"
"Because wasting time is money, Dr Pangloss. "Our time, your money. Well, your council taxpayers' money, to be precise. A bit of research is great to refer to during a presentation - always makes it seem that you know what you're talking about. The industry will be receiving a questionnaire ..."
"A questionnaire? Why not just stop any one person in the street and ask them? They'll be able to tell you. I can tell you - right now!"
"Yes, well that's as may be, but I'd rather do a questionnaire, if you don't mind. You see, questionnaires produce findings, and findings are revealed at presentations, and presentations is what consultancy is all about. So if you take away the questionnaires you won't have much left - just a finger buffet and some name badges, really. No, take away the questionnaires and you will make consultants redundant - and that cannot be allowed to happen - we are too important to society."
With that she looked at her watch. "Crikey, I'm going to be late - I really must be going."
"Yes, yes of course" mumbled Pangloss.
As Ms Custard got up to go Dr Pangloss was beginning to get that knotted feeling in his stomach again. He could see this latest hiring of a consultant being a PR disaster. He wondered if what she said would be reported in the Westphalia Express. Who was he trying to kid? - of course it would. There was only one course of action to take - he would have to call the editor and ask him not to report anything that Ms Custard said on the grounds that it would be very silly and cost a ludicrous amount of money.
He picked up the reciever and hit the speed dial button, absent-mindedly noting to himself that he could barely make out the symbol on that particular button, it having been worn away from overuse.
Ms Custard was halfway out the door when she shouted "the daft strategy should be ready by the end of May." At least that's what Pangloss thought she said.
Chapter 68 In which Dr Pangloss unveils the poster campaign
'OK everyone, let's move on to any other business.'
Dr Pangloss was getting to the end of yet another meeting where not much had been discussed except the Civic Chairman's car and his ceremonial chains.
'If I might start things off, I'd like to update you on a poster initiative which we have invested in to try and kickstart the tourist appeal of the Cote de Westphalia. As you know, we aren't going to sit idly by and watch our beloved town crumble before it's even had a chance to become a city, and with that in mind we've had our graphics department come up with a series of posters which sum up all that is wonderful about the area. We hope to get these on display all around the country as soon as possible, but I thought you privileged people would like to have a sneak preview first.'
Dr Pangloss, with the help of his able deputy Ahmad Hatter, began unrolling four tubes of shiny paper. A collective gasp went around the table as the posters were unveiled.
'OK, now I think I should just say a few words about the thinking behind these images,' continued Dr Pangloss. 'The first one is fairly self-evident. We have the highest teen pregnancy figures for the Westcountry, and this is something we should be celebrating. It's not often we come first in anything, so let's make the most of it, I say - it seems that our youngsters are the most fertile in the country! Now the second poster is a reaction to the call for a gay initiative. You're all aware of the idea for a new fast ferry service across the Bay, and it was going to be called Bay Fast. Well, I say let's take this idea by the scruff of the neck and get the ferry painted pink and call it Gay Fast. Now this proposal is very much at the 'idea stage' at the moment, but I will be in touch with the boss of the company running the ferry very soon to put this to him, and frankly I can't see much resistance to it. In this day and age everyone wants to be 'gay friendly', and I'm sure the pink pound will be very welcome on the ferry, so it should just be a matter of rubber stamping this brilliant idea and finding a nice shade of pink that is waterproof. Poster number three advertises our very successful parking meter programme. As you are all aware, parking meters have encouraged people to shop in our towns and park on our seafronts. At last people know they will be able to find a parking space, and they are flocking back to our town centres to see if any of the shops are still open, happy in the knowledge that their money is being used by the council for the upkeep of our car parks. I think this poster will generate the same kind of interest the length and breadth of the country. I mean, wouldn't you book a holiday somewhere where you could be sure of finding a parking meter? I know I would, if I didn't holiday abroad. And finally poster number four. This one celebrates the diversity of our local weather system. People from up north with nasty pale freckly skin don't want the sun relentlessly beating down on them for days on end, so this one reminds them that a cool refreshing shower is not unheard of on the Cote de Westphalia. And in keeping with the gay-friendly theme, notice how the silhouette is very definitely of a non-specific gender - yes, it's probably a man, but it could also be a big butch lezzer, so we're covering all the bases there, and ticking all the PC boxes. Never let it be said that Dr Panglossor or the Cote de Westphalia is anti-gay. And of course the fixed penalty notice is a gentle reminder to people to read the parking notices very carefully, or we'll be taking all their holiday money off them before they can say 'Hang on, why have all the shops closed down?' or 'That's the last time I'm coming to this shithole'.
With that Dr Pangloss took a sip of water and continued: 'And last but not least, some of you may remember that I wanted to attract a better class of tourist to the area. Well, apparently there were legal problems with my idea to turn all the lower class people back when they got as far as Newton Bumpkin, so instead we've had to compromise - we shall shortly be installing these signs around all the main tourist areas, apart from the bits which are already cordoned off with tarpaulin and makeshift fencing.'
With that Dr Pangloss reached under the desk and pulled out a sign and held it up to the assembled gathering. It said:
He left the posters on the table where the councillors could further examine them, and generally wonder at their artistic brilliance. And if you would like a closer look, dear reader, you have only to left click once on the images. Who knows , you may choose to print one off for your wall, window or office door, just to show that you support this bold tourist initiative. And you could also sign in add your name to the list of readers on the new facility on the left.
Dr Pangloss was getting to the end of yet another meeting where not much had been discussed except the Civic Chairman's car and his ceremonial chains.
'If I might start things off, I'd like to update you on a poster initiative which we have invested in to try and kickstart the tourist appeal of the Cote de Westphalia. As you know, we aren't going to sit idly by and watch our beloved town crumble before it's even had a chance to become a city, and with that in mind we've had our graphics department come up with a series of posters which sum up all that is wonderful about the area. We hope to get these on display all around the country as soon as possible, but I thought you privileged people would like to have a sneak preview first.'
Dr Pangloss, with the help of his able deputy Ahmad Hatter, began unrolling four tubes of shiny paper. A collective gasp went around the table as the posters were unveiled.
'OK, now I think I should just say a few words about the thinking behind these images,' continued Dr Pangloss. 'The first one is fairly self-evident. We have the highest teen pregnancy figures for the Westcountry, and this is something we should be celebrating. It's not often we come first in anything, so let's make the most of it, I say - it seems that our youngsters are the most fertile in the country! Now the second poster is a reaction to the call for a gay initiative. You're all aware of the idea for a new fast ferry service across the Bay, and it was going to be called Bay Fast. Well, I say let's take this idea by the scruff of the neck and get the ferry painted pink and call it Gay Fast. Now this proposal is very much at the 'idea stage' at the moment, but I will be in touch with the boss of the company running the ferry very soon to put this to him, and frankly I can't see much resistance to it. In this day and age everyone wants to be 'gay friendly', and I'm sure the pink pound will be very welcome on the ferry, so it should just be a matter of rubber stamping this brilliant idea and finding a nice shade of pink that is waterproof. Poster number three advertises our very successful parking meter programme. As you are all aware, parking meters have encouraged people to shop in our towns and park on our seafronts. At last people know they will be able to find a parking space, and they are flocking back to our town centres to see if any of the shops are still open, happy in the knowledge that their money is being used by the council for the upkeep of our car parks. I think this poster will generate the same kind of interest the length and breadth of the country. I mean, wouldn't you book a holiday somewhere where you could be sure of finding a parking meter? I know I would, if I didn't holiday abroad. And finally poster number four. This one celebrates the diversity of our local weather system. People from up north with nasty pale freckly skin don't want the sun relentlessly beating down on them for days on end, so this one reminds them that a cool refreshing shower is not unheard of on the Cote de Westphalia. And in keeping with the gay-friendly theme, notice how the silhouette is very definitely of a non-specific gender - yes, it's probably a man, but it could also be a big butch lezzer, so we're covering all the bases there, and ticking all the PC boxes. Never let it be said that Dr Panglossor or the Cote de Westphalia is anti-gay. And of course the fixed penalty notice is a gentle reminder to people to read the parking notices very carefully, or we'll be taking all their holiday money off them before they can say 'Hang on, why have all the shops closed down?' or 'That's the last time I'm coming to this shithole'.
With that Dr Pangloss took a sip of water and continued: 'And last but not least, some of you may remember that I wanted to attract a better class of tourist to the area. Well, apparently there were legal problems with my idea to turn all the lower class people back when they got as far as Newton Bumpkin, so instead we've had to compromise - we shall shortly be installing these signs around all the main tourist areas, apart from the bits which are already cordoned off with tarpaulin and makeshift fencing.'
With that Dr Pangloss reached under the desk and pulled out a sign and held it up to the assembled gathering. It said:
He left the posters on the table where the councillors could further examine them, and generally wonder at their artistic brilliance. And if you would like a closer look, dear reader, you have only to left click once on the images. Who knows , you may choose to print one off for your wall, window or office door, just to show that you support this bold tourist initiative. And you could also sign in add your name to the list of readers on the new facility on the left.
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