Chapter 73 In which Pangloss considers the signs ...

After his recent defeat in the ballot to see who would be the next Tory MP for Toadness (you may remember, readers, that the seat became available when the incumbent, Tarquin Pompous-Duffer, committed one of those dreadful accounting oversights that we are all prone to from time to time and accidentally charged the taxpayer eighty-odd grand for a spot of gardening) Dr Pangloss was perusing the pages of a few back copies of the Westphalia Express, looking for inspiration about what to do next. The newspaper had been his staunchest supporter, had followed him through thick and thin, and had always been there with a kind message of support even when 99% of the local population thought he was a complete twat, so Panloss felt that the answer he so desperately sought might be buried somewhere within its pages. 'NOW BUGGER OFF YOU LOSER' screamed one headline. 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL HERE?' said another in an unnecessarily large font. 'Hmm,' thought Pangloss to himself. 'The headlines are just there to catch people's attention, but I wonder what the editorial says? That should give me a real clue.' He opened the paper and scanned the page. These words caught his eye: ... so we unreservedly apologize to all our readers for suggesting that this man might have been able to run our beloved bay, and we have put up a reward for anyone who can raise a posse and run him out of town by sunrise ...'. Pangloss closed and folded the newspaper and said to his cat 'Goodness Chairman Miaow, it's so difficult to read the situation. I'm getting all these conflicting messages...' Just then The Clash started blaring from PalmTree FM, the local radio station: "Should I stay or should I go now ... If I stay there will be trouble ..."
'What is a man to do?' continued Pangloss, still addressing the cat. At that moment there was a loud knock and the door swung open. An ebullient Charlie Windsor stood in the doorway.
"Pangloss, old chum," he began.
"Oh, hullo, Charlie," stuttered Pangloss. "What do you want?"
"Nothing really - just popped by to gloat. I hear you came last."
"Third," corrected Pangloss. "I came third."
"Yes, out of three."
"It's still third. If it had been the Olympics I'd have got a medal."
"Whatever," replied Charlie. "Have you written your resignation speech yet?"
"Resignation speech? What makes you think I should resign?" asked Pangloss.
"Well, how about the online poll in the Westphalia Express for a start? 83% of the people think you should resign."
"But where would I go?" protested Pangloss.
"I don't know. Anywhere. I hear South Africa's nice at this time of year."
"Hang on," interupted Pangloss. "Eighty-three per cent? You mean 17% think I shouldn't resign? Well, with that level of support behind me I shall definitely carry on. I wouldn't want to let those 17% down. And there's always this." Pangloss waved a white piece of paper in the air.
"What's that?" asked Charlie, "A letter from Hitler?"
"No, it's my payslip. Four grand into my account every month, no questions asked."
"I see what you mean," said Charlie, the envy all too evident in his intonation. "Hopefully I'll soon have one of those myself, when we finally get rid of that irksome oik Localbloke. Well, if you're going to stick around for the cash you'd better not queer the pitch for me. You're all washed up now, you're a lame duck, as dead as a dodo, yesterday's news, tomorrow's chip paper ..."
"Yes, I get the message," said Pangloss.
"What I'm saying is I'm the new kid on the block now. People need to get positive and follow a new messiah."
"Well, if you're going to make a splash locally you'd better start expressing your opinion on local issues," said Pangloss.
"Why would I want to do that?" asked Charlie. "I won't be here, will I? I'll be shooting off home. No, all I'm interested in is reminding everyone on the electoral register that voting for Localbloke is exactly the same as asking the Taliban to come round and stone you're mother to death because she burnt your toast."
"Yes, I see. That's quite a cunning plan, isn't it? Well, I still think you'd better feign a bit of interest in local affairs, at least," advised Pangloss. "What do you think of this new development proposal for example?" Pangloss pushed the newspaper towards Charlie, open at the page which contained a sketch illustrating how tall the new development near the harbour would be. Charlie studied the picture for a moment and then said "Is that an ordinary-sized gorilla?"
"I think so," said Pangloss.
"Well, in that case it all looks fine to me."
"Well I'm glad we see eye to eye on something," said Pangloss, smiling. "That's exactly what I thought."