Chapter 24 In which Charlie Windsor explains the idea of choice in education

'Do you know Charlie, began Pangloss, as they returned to their seats with their drinks, sometimes I feel like a character in a bloody soap opera.'
'Really? said Charlie. Why's that then?'
'Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's this place.'
They were sitting in the bar of the Sailor's Return, a notorious watering hole on the harbour of Westphalia-on-Sea. Everyone thought they had seen the last of the landlord, Martin Aston, when he went bankrupt and lost all his businesses, but he had come back from the dead and was the new licensee at the Sailor's.
'Do you think it's because Martin shaves his beard a bit like that character Bepe from Eastenders?' suggested Charlie.
'Possibly. Or maybe its because a lot of my big ideas sound like the ridiculous plot lines of TV soaps.'
'Yes, that might be it, agreed Charlie. God, that would be horrible wouldn't it? Having the spotlight on you a few time times a week, everyone knowing exactly what you were doing and thinking. I certainly hope that bastard who's writing the Piddlebackside blog doesn't get any ideas, or the next thing we'll hear is that we're in a spoof show called Westenders.'
'Hmm, a long saga with no end in sight - that would be all I need, said Pangloss. Well, now you've brought up this author of dubious parentage, what do we know about him?'
'Well, since his mysterious appearance at the Eastphalia Conservative Club it seems he knows a bit of French.'
'French, eh? Didn't that use to be compulsory at school?'
'That's right, but the government has started phasing out learning GCSE French at school. Apparently it's all part of their new language learning strategy, although some cynics might say the reason was to improve league table results.'
'Look Charlie, state education's not really my thing. Just remind me, where did league tables come from and what are they for?'
'Oh, that's easy Pangloss, said Charlie. They were created by John Major's Conservative government in 1992 as part of the Citizens' Charter. The stated aim was to give parents the consumer information they needed to create a free market in school choice.'
'Golly, a free market in school choice? That sounds absolutely wizard. I bet it improved things no end. So everybody can choose which school they send their kids to now?'
'Goodness me yes, old boy, everything's about choice these days, and rightly so. For example, if people pay for exam coaching, and move to a better catchment area, and pretend to be religious long enough for the local vicar to write them a letter, why they've all got a fantastic choice.'
'And what about the people who can't afford to move house or hire an exam coach, or don't want to suddenly start going to church, what choice have they got?'
'Well, they've got a special choice called Hobson's choice. I'm not entirely sure how that works, because it doesn't really affect Conservative voters, but you see Pangloss, everyone is a winner. It's a wonderful system of equal opportunities whether you're rich or poor, and it was all put in place by John Major. I must confess I am a little puzzled though; I mean, when you have a choice, wouldn't everyone choose the best school? And then who would go the rubbish schools? I don't know, but New Labour are always talking about choice now, and David Cameron is always going on about choice, so the system must work, mustn't it? Education is so important for our young people, I just can't wait for David Cameron and his shadow cabinet colleagues to take charge of the country. I mean, who better to advise on state education than people who haven't had the misfortune to experience it? I expect when David Cameron takes over there will be so much choice that everyone will be able to go to Eton and then Oxford, and even join the Bullingdon Club if they want to.'
'Oh, goodness me, yes, said Pangloss, it certainly will be the best of all possible worlds when the Eton boys take over. I think they understand the lives of the ordinary man in the street so well.'

'Oh absolutely, agreed Charlie, and after all, there is a certain degree of intelligence that come with wealth.'
'Why, it's funny you should mention that, said Pangloss, because I can actually feel myself becoming more intelligent by the week, and do you know what I think it is? I think it's because every week I become a thousand pounds richer - it's cause and effect. Good grief, by the time my term in office comes to an end I'll be a quarter of million pounds more intelligent.'