Chapter 29 In which the Westphalians learn about the visits of Tory grandees

Charlie Windsor felt reinvigorated after deciding to strike out and make an impression on the voters of the Cote de Westphalia, or whatever Pangloss and his consultants were calling it at the moment. After all, Charlie himself was a management consultant, so if anyone could come up with top-notch ideas to focus people's attention on why they should vote Conservative it was him.
First of all he told people how two high profile Tory shadow ministers had visited Westphalia-on-Sea. He told everyone about Michael Gove's visit. And the Westphalians were both honoured and very excited, and said: 'Who?' And Charlie said: 'You know, that bloke who used to work for Rupert Murdoch at The Times and describes himself as a neo-Conservative.' And the Westphalians said: 'Oh, we can't stand him.' Then Charlie told them about Andrew Mitchell's visit, and the Westphalians were equally excited and said: 'Oo?' And Charlie said 'You know, the charming and intelligent Andrew Mitchell.' And the Westphalians said: 'Oo? Us 'uv never bleddy 'eard uv 'im.'
And Charlie said: 'for goodness sake, he's the shadow Secretary of State for International Development and he came to look at the proposals for a new library in Eastphalia. He obviously cares pasionately about the people of Eastphalia.'
And the people said: 'Are you sure it's not because the Tories desperately want to win this seat at the next election and want to give you some publicity?'
And Charlie Windsor said: 'Of course not, politics isn't like that. They came because they care about you as much as I do. That's why I uprooted my family and came to live among you straw-chewing yokels - it was a selfless act of love. If, in the process of caring, I happen to become an MP and draw a fat salary, it will be pure (yet happy) coincidence.'
Naturally this reassured most of the simple folk of the Cote de Westphalia, but one or two had lingering doubts. 'What's wrong with the MP we've got? they asked. He grew up here and understands us, and even supports Westphalia United.'
And Charlie said: 'Oh, for goodness sake, how many times do I have to tell you people? He's Brian Uselessbloke, he never has any big ideas, he's not a Conservative and worst of all he didn't support having an elected mayor. I, on the other hand, have gone on record as saying that Dr Pangloss is the best thing to happen to Westphalia-on-Sea in a generation, and so do a large and growing number of the people who live here.'
'And the Westphalians said: 'You what? Best thing in a generation? We think you bin out in the sun too long, buey.'
And then Charlie began to wish he hadn't supported Pangloss quite so vociferously in the past, and hoped that over time people would forget some of the things he had said and written, and really wished he hadn't brought all this up again because it probably wouldn't help his cause.