Chapter 11 In which Pangloss wholeheartedly supports the by-pass

Pangloss was in his office at the town hall, telephone receiver wedged between neck and shoulder as he spoke to Toby from Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions while flicking through the pages of the Westphalia Express.

'Well Toby, said Pangloss, judging by the the letters in today's Westphalia Express, your name-changing idea hasn't really bolstered my popularity among the locals.'
'The locals? The locals? sneered Toby. Who gives a flying fuck what they think? Anyway, in two weeks' time this name-change idea will be history. But in the meantime if they still question the wisdom of it you might like to point out that it wasn't so long ago that our great capital was at the arse-end of nowhere and going by the name of Londinium. Now look - rebranded as London, it's the bloody financial powerhouse of the western world. I'll give you another example: Siam. One minute it's all Yul Brynner and singing children, the next they've changed the name to Thailand and it's the sex-tourism capital of the world.'
'Yes, pondered Pangloss. I suppose those are pretty compelling arguments. Anyway, looking beyond that, do you have any new strategy initiatives for me?'
'Well, not new exactly, but we've found an issue that you're not really exploiting enough.'
'Oh really? What's that?'
'Well apparently a by-pass has been the subject of much discussion for as long as most locals can remember.'
'That's right, said Pangloss. Around the village of Dibley. I've said I'm in favour of it - was that the right thing to do?'
'Oh, absolutely right, said Toby. Apparently it will cost about £130 million and plough through swathes of green fields, so there's not much chance of it being built any time soon.'
'Oh, that is a shame.'
'On the contrary, it's a massive benefit to you; cause and effect, Dr Pangloss, cause and effect. Look, you need to point out that for all of your big ideas to be successful this road simply must be built. The effect caused by not having a new by-pass will be no success. If you stand for anything, you stand for this: a vague notion of success at some unspecified time in the future. You can now legitimately use the lack of a by-pass as the reason why everything is still utterly crap, even though you are now in charge, and have been for the last two years. And you can go on promising that everything will be fantastic as soon as the by-pass is built.'
'I see. So the by-pass is the sort of thing I can talk about from time to time when I haven't got a new big idea to unveil?'
'Now you're catching on, Dr Pangloss. Of course, the only danger will come if the road does actually look like it will get built, at which point you will have to strenuously oppose its contruction.'
'I will? Why?'
'Oh, please try to use 'ze leetle grey cells' for me on this one, Dr Pangloss. You will oppose it because it involves tarmacking over a load of fields and upsetting most of Dibley just to move a traffic jam five miles down the road. And don't you remember your party's new slogan - 'Vote blue, go green'?'
'Well, yes, I've heard the slogan, and I've seen the new tree logo. Your company didn't do that bit of rebranding, did it?'
'No, I think that was done by class 5B at All Saints Primary. Sorry, I'm joking. Just a little bitter - we'd have loved to have had a piece of that action - licence to print money. Anyway, we're losing our focus here, the point is David Cameron is green, he goes everywhere on a bike and he's got a wind turbine on the roof of his house.'
'But doesn't his briefcase travel around in a chauffeur-driven car?' asked Pangloss.
'Well, yes, but that's not the point. The point is that if there is an election on the horizon David Cameron won't want you and your bloody by-pass causing a green revolt. You've got to remember that the Dibley pensioners haven't got anything to do all day, and they love a bit of publicity. Before you know where you are they'll be boycotting Gardeners' Question Time and The Archers, and threatening to pay their council tax in old thrupenny bits they've been saving in a tin under the bed.'
'I see; so I support the by-pass now, then campaign against it as soon as there's a chance it may be built. Hmm, I just feel a bit of a fraud, you know, contemplating changing my opinion like that, just to suit my own political situation.'
'Now don't you worry about that Dr Pangloss, said Toby, reassuringly. There are plenty of politicians out there who are very happy to change their opinions at the drop of hat if they think it will benefit them. Why, I've known people start out as Liberals, change to Conservative and then bang on about being an Independent when it suits them.' They're a right bloomin' shower, an' no mistake (Toby often slipped into a faux cockney accent when the mood took him). Anyway, changing your mind about the by-pass is a long time in the future, so don't you lose any sleep over it. Goodbye Dr Pangloss.'