'Yes, I know his secretary replied. But this caller is very persistent, and you have been in there for two hours now.'
'Good God, so I have, said Pangloss, eyeing the clock. OK, I'll take the call.'
'Dr Pangloss, said the voice at the other end of the line, thank you for taking the time to speak to me. My name is Martin Leyland. I'm a freelance journalist, and I've just come across this bizarre story of the Piddlebackside blog on the internet - it contains some striking similarities to Westphalia-on-Sea, and one of the characters, a Mr Reinhard Longpass, bears more than a passing resemblance to yourself. Are you familiar with the blog?'
'Well, I've heard about it, but I haven't actually read any of it. You must understand that as mayor I don't get a great deal of time to devote to such trivia. As you may be aware I am in the middle of building a city here - Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.'
'I fully understand, Your Worshipfulness. It must be be a stressful and sometimes thankless task leading a town, or city, with such courage.'
'Why yes, it is as a matter of fact, that's very insightful Mr Leyland, you have a way with words.'
'Thank you, your Holiness. Actually I'm a city boy myself, grew up in Birminghole, and I do miss things like wide boulevards with street performers and an edgy bohemian art scene terribly, so I fully understand what you're trying to do here.'
'Goodness, a sympathetic voice in the wilderness.'
'Thank you, your Majesty. Look, I'm going to write a short piece about this blog which may be syndicated around a few local papers. How about we meet up and I give you the chance to give your side of the story, set the record straight, etcetera? Fifteen minutes of your time for a quick interview?'
'Well, I'm fairly busy tomorrow, I think I'm seeing ...'
'Are you doing anything now?'
'Well not really.'
'OK, that's settled; I'll pop down if you're free. Strike while the iron's hot, and all that.'
In what seemed like minutes, Martin Leyland was sitting opposite Pangloss. The office was rather dark as the blinds were still closed. Leyland was looking intently at his mobile when Pangloss broke the silence: 'Are you going to use your dictaphone?' he asked.
'No, I'll use my finger, replied the journalist. Oh sorry, I see what you mean. Yes I've got a tape recorder in my bag.'
Leyland tested his tape recorder and then asked his first question.
'OK, let's get started; what's your favourite colour?'
'Blue.'
'Do you like puppies?'
'Oh, yes.' Pangloss smiled for the first time in ages; this was going rather well.
'Right. Now you were booed by the whole crowd at Westphalia United at the weekend, is that correct?'
'Well ..., err ...., yes, in a manner of speaking.'
'So would it be fair to say you are deeply unpopular with a large cross-section of the town?'
'I'm not sure 'deeply' is the right adjective,' objected Pangloss.
'Really? You were voted in with the support of just seven per cent of the electorate, and since then you have courted controversy with a number of bizarre high profile strategies and been booed at a local football match. What adjective do you think would be more fitting than 'deeply', then?'
'Er, I'm not really sure,' said Pangloss.
'How much support do you think you'd have if there was an election tomorrow?'
'I'm not sure.'
'More or less than seven per cent?'
'I don't know.'
'Would you want to do this job if you felt you didn't have the support of the people?'
'I'm not really sure,' stammered Pangloss.
'OK, let's move on. Now, according to the Westphalia-on-Sea Council Constitution, the residents of this town are stuck with you until May 2011. Now, if it became clear that you had utterly lost the support of the people, would you do the honourable thing and stand down before then, or at least call another election?'
'Now, hang on a minute ...'
'You enjoy unparalleled support from the local paper, and have a regular column in it, so why do you think you are such an unpopular figure?'
'Well, look, I'm not sure that's wholly ...'
'How much have you spent on the services of consultants, and how much more do you intend to spend?'
'Well, that's very difficult to say at this precise moment in time. Two heads are better than one, and I'm not a man with two brains. The whole process of urban regeneration and the ideas that drive it is, by it's very nature, ipso facto coitus interruptus, extremely expensive.'
'OK, moving on: you've heard about this blog; what's your take on it?'
'Oh, it sounds like a bit of harmless fun. I'm sure whoever's writing it will soon run out of steam, and if not steam, then ideas.'
'So you're not unduly worried about the rather bizarre way that time is related between Piddlebackside and Westphalia-on-Sea, then?'
'What exactly do you mean? I don't understand. Like I said, I haven't read it first hand.'
'Well, let me explain. It begins with the mayoral election in Piddlebackside, which to everyone's horror is won by Reinhard Longpass, a rather clueless bumbling Conservative with no real life experience. It then covers a period of approximately two years, in which Longpass makes a number of catastrophically brainless decisions. Through a series of flashbacks it is revealed that as a child Longpass had an accident which resulted in a serious cranial trauma. He survived, but during the life-saving surgery at an underfunded hospital the neurosurgeon was forced to cut a three-inch hole in the top of his skull, scoop his brains out with a rusty spoon and fill the resulting cavity with porridge. It soon becomes clear that this procedure in childhood strongly influences much of his day-to-day decision-making. There is one other very far-fetched storyline in which a committed group of Piddlebackside atheists are promised absolutely nothing in the afterlife, but nevertheless selflessly volunteer for a suicide mission to take out the Mayor while he is judging a novelty cake competition at the Women's Guild. Apart from these rather silly scenes events in Piddlebackside closely mimic what has been happening in Westphalia-on-Sea.'
'I see. Does the Mayor suggest any rebranding and renaming of Piddlebackside?'
'Absolutely. A very convincing argument is made for taking the 'Piddle' out, and then, strangely enough, it is mysteriously put back in.'
'I see. Well, I can see certain parallels with some of the bold and innovative moves I have been making in Westphalia-on-Sea, but I still don't see any great problem.'
'The problem, Dr Pangloss is simply this: the time difference between the events in the fictitious Piddlebackside and the events in the very real Westphalia-on-Sea is growing ever smaller as we speak. The embarrassing booing at Piddlebackside Rovers came two weeks after the real event at Westphalia United. Now look at this.'
With a flourish he pulled out a copy of the Westphalia Express and turned to Pangloss's column.
'In this column on 26 October you compared the moaning residents of Westphalia-on-Sea to Victor Meldrew. In the blog about Piddlebackside the Victor Meldrew reference appeared the day after, on 27 October.'
'I still don't see the point.'
'The point is, Dr Pangloss, that the space-time continuum is being interfered with. The lampooning versions of events in Piddlebackside are travelling too fast over the internet, zooming towards your real pronouncements in Westphalia-on-Sea in the print media. If they are allowed to collide, and they are surely on course to do that over the next few days, then the atomic particles of the two events will be forever fused together. The result? In the future everyone will know you are talking bollocks, simply because your lips are moving.'
Pangloss was white. 'Oh my God, he said. Then they have to be stopped. Whoever's writing this blog about Piddlebackside must be stopped. Who's writing it? Get them on the phone and let's start negotiating, but let's not rule out breaking all their fingers.'
'There are two problems with that plan, Dr Pangloss, said Leyland. The first is that the blog is anonymous, so you don't know who's behind it. And the second is that even if you did know the author's identity, there would be a debate to be had about the freedom of speech. Now, before you do something you'll regret, let me tell you a cautionary tale about prohibiting the dissemination of information ...'
(to be continued ...)
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15 comments:
Garden City library - a wasted opportunity? or is the vision fading?
I woke up this morning to the sound of Dr Pangloss being interviewed on BBC Radio Isca & Janner by the razor sharp Dim Dom.
Yes, the new library in the Garden City is wonderful news and a suitable use of lottery money. Bring it on!
Pangloss, of course, couldn't resist the extra spin: "it's putting the Garden City on the map again and it's all about the regeneration that will get us going again".
Indeed, and I suspect the choice of DVDs will be second to none in Westphalia.
But isn't our leader missing an opportunity to integrate the new library into the Complete C's Structured Harmony (in a town envirionment) vision? Or is he running scared already?
Can't we, for instance, have a library in a garden environment? And why no mention of a partnership initiative that develops the new facility as a remote community campus hub of the new University of Complete Phalia?
If Pangloss is serious about the Valley of Learning and Living he could place this new lifelong learning and personal development facility on a newly-created island in the duckpond near QuaywestPhalia.
I was also perturbed that Dr Pangloss seems happy about the existing library provision in Fishhole. Come on man, jazz it up can't you? A floating library in the creative harbour would really be a Cutting Edge World Class Concept and certainly put Fishhole on pages 28 and 29 of the Westphalia A to Z.
I believe both Westphalia and Piddlebackside are having a council meetings tonight. Is this where both worlds collide?
Nemesis
"We are on a roll with the commissioning model and I would like to see the momentum continue." There has been very little in these annals about the Chief Executive of Westphalia whose words are quoted above. I feel the general public should be more informed of her sycophantic importance to the would-be city-like backwater's mayors policy formation.
How dare you imply I use jokes as old as Pangloss's underwear (re: 'dictaphone')
Anyway, here's a better joke: A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's which was £100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
Here's another: Pangloss and his missus are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Mrs Pangloss says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish," she replies.
Martin Leyland counldn't write this blog site, his jokes are too oldand awful. Anyway there isn't a Mrs Pangloss in Westphalia. Dr Pangloss is far too busy to rise to that sort of occasion.
I'll have you know I once did a turn at the Fishole Majorettes Christmas Bazaar.
Don't worry Martin, there's always a job for you here at the Daily Devotional..
Why don't we hear anything about Pangloss' comedy sidekick, the one with the silly moustache?
QUOTE: "Why don't we hear anything about Pangloss' comedy sidekick, the one with the silly moustache?"
That's the female Chief Executive!
Nooo, not that one, I was talking about the northern chap who hates poor people.
I thought it was the deputy supremo from the Westphalia Express who was sporting a silly moustache?
Is little Jimmy Porkies still the deputy supremo of the W/E, or does he just write nowadays in his capacity as the Mayor's press officer?
I hear deputy supremo porkies is phoning round everyone and anyone he can think of to find out all he can about Candide.
I hear that Deputy Supremo Porkies is furious about this blog, and if it turns out to be a journalist writing it, will sack them if they are doing it in work time.
It appears that the state media in Westphalia like to give other people a hard time (except Dr. Pangloss of course), but can't take it themselves!
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