Chapter 15 In which the 'city' idea is finally unveiled

'Phil's going to take centre stage with the presentation, if that all right with you,' said Derek Poundsign as he shook Pangloss's hand.
'Fine by me, said Pangloss. What's the big idea then? I'm dying to know.'
'In a word, city,' said Derek.
'City?' Repeated Pangloss.
'That's right. At the moment you've got three towns: Westphalia-on-Sea, Eastphalia and Fishhole. But..., (at this point Derek squeezed three of the fingers on his left hand together to indicate a merger) ... add the populations together, and you're talking 'city'.'
'I still don't understand. What do you mean 'city'?'
'You all become a city. Look, I know this may seem quite a radical concept for you to grasp here in the foyer, but trust me, we've had plenty of other clients who we've advised to upgrade in this way - in fact Phil has probably copied and pasted a lot of the presentation from our archives.'
'Does that mean we'll get a discount?' asked Pangloss.
'This is no time for humour, said Derek. Now let's get started - just listen to the presentation and all will become clear - the clue is in the title 'complete Structured Harmony In a Town Environment' - I think that says it all. I know it's a bit of a mouthful, but I'm sure we can come up with a snappy acronym to encapsulate what we're doing here.'
Pangloss took his seat with the rest of the great and the good of Westphalia-on-Sea.

At the end of two hours Phil Muggins came over to Pangloss, closely followed by the rest of the team. 'Well, what did you think? asked Phil.
'I thought the presentation was absolutely bloody brilliant, said Pangloss. The photos, the pastel coloured squares, the aerial shots, the comparisons, the headings, the buzz words, the diagrams and the general layout, everything was just out of this world - it was just that the idea, was, well, ... shit.'
'Praise indeed, Mr Mayor, praise indeed, said Derek. I must say it's gratifying to have a client really appreciate what we've achieved. Phil put his heart and soul into this project - practically wore that thesaurus out, he did, with his 'Garden City' here and his 'Creative Harbour' there.'
'Yes, but, the idea, ... it's shit.'
'Isn't it just? said Raza. I'd say it's mission accomplished. What's the matter Dr Pangloss? You look a little faint.'
'Well, it's just that all the other shitty ideas were fairly small scale, isolated. A privatised beach here, a name change and a high speed ferry there, it was all stuff that captured the imagination with its innate silliness, but was still easily forgotten, you know, tomorrow's chip paper and all that. But this, this is, well, massive.'
'We have pushed the old boat out here, I'll grant you that, said Toby. This wasn't a low budget affair by any stretch of the imagination.'
'Yes, but, I think you've gone too far. People aren't going to forget this. It includes the whole of the Cote de Westphalia.'
'New Cote de Westphalia, corrected Phil. We popped another name change in.'
'Two name changes in as many months? Isn't that taking the piss?' asked Pangloss.
'We prefer the term 'an upgraded rebrand initiative based on market projection', but I concede that that may have been interpreted as urine extraction by a small cross-section of the audience,' said Phil.
The colour continued to drain from Pangloss's face.
'I think I need a brandy. This project is going to haunt me. It could finish me.'
'Now, now, don't be all doom and gloom. Let's have a look at the caveats; that'll cheer you up,' said Derek.
'The caveats? What do you mean?'
'The caveats. The little phrases and semantic markers we spread across the presentation so that on closer inspection everyone realises that it's never going to happen. You wouldn't give a presentation of this magnitude without caveats. They're our starting point - list your caveats and work backwards - first rule of consultancy, that is. Raza, be a love and read out the caveats, would you? Dr Pangloss is feeling poorly.'
'Sure, here they are. Right, let's have a look. OK, in no particular order ... other such visions had gathered dust ... bloodying a few noses ... a bold, imaginative step ... bold political leadership and bravery ... head above the parapet ... documents were still a work in progress ... not about imposing their ideas ... would take decades to achieve ... difficult projects which do involve a step change ... is not about re-branding ... getting Westphalia-on-Sea on the radar of investors ... Westphalia-on-Sea's track record at making changes is not very good ... scientific research suggested the climate of the traditional holiday destinations like the Mediterranean would be too hot for tourists ..., I think that's about it.'
'Thank you Raza, said Derek. Now doesn't that make you feel better, Dr Pangloss? Do you see what Phil has very cleverly done? Firstly he's used the language of the battlefield: from medieval parapets to the bloody noses of good old-fashioned pugilism, and then on to World War Two radars. He's been contradictory: he's said it's not about rebranding. Any definite promise of inward investment? Of course not - he says you'll be a little green 'blip' on the very small screen of a man several miles away. He's pointed out that lots of change is needed, and then he's told you how crap you all are at changing. And did he promise it would happen soon? No - he said it would take decades. And to cap it all off he's thrown the sheer lunacy of climate change into the mix. Hmm, don't know if that last bit was strictly necessary Phil.'
'Yeah, sorry boss. I was on a bit of a roll by that stage - caffeine overdose maybe.'
'Yes, well just be a bit more careful next time. I mean, telling them to sit tight and wait for the fucking Med to overheat. Ker-rist! Anyone who swallows that should be in a bloody straightjacket. I'm surprised you didn't tell them that if the wind decides to blow the other way they'd soon be living in a ski resort.'
'Well, that does have an attractive win-win feel to it, boss.'
'Hmm, yes, I suppose it does. OK, sorry, Phil, I take it back. I think Dr Pangloss's demeanour is unsettling me a little. Anyway Dr Pangloss, I think you'll agree that anyone who takes the time to reread our proposal will see that none of this is actually going to happen; I mean he did say decades, plural. That could be nine decades. Relax, you've got nothing to worry about.'
Pangloss was less than convinced. He had an awful feeling that even the dimmest Westphalian would greet this idea with, at best, lukewarm condescension.
Just as he was turning to go he heard his name being called, and turned around to see Charlie Windsor coming towards him. Charlie was the Conservative prospective parliamentary candidate for Westphalia-on-Sea, so they were on the same side, but the last thing Pangloss needed was someone else pointing out how shit the whole project was.
'Great ideas!' he shouted before Pangloss could even say hello.
'Really?' said Pangloss tentatively.
'Top drawer. Did you see those pastel coloured squares? And the aerial photos on a sunny day? I can see you and your team mean business. These bright sparks must be costing a pretty penny, I'll wager. Don't worry, he said, tapping the side of his nose knowingly, no names no pack drill. Mum's the word, eh? Great turns of phrase as well, almost poetic; now what was it? Oh yes, 'The Cote de Westphalia is a very dispersed low density urban model' and 'a City with intensely developed compact urban hubs'. Blimey, if I could come out with stuff like that I reckon the election would be in the bag. That's what people want to hear about, not who's going to rebuild the seafront and why are there turds being washed up on the beach. No, they want to go to bed in a town and wake up in a city! Pangloss, I am delighted to see that you have now launched the clear vision for our future that we have been crying out for.'
Pangloss mumbled 'thanks Charlie', and walked out to his waiting car.