Chapter 13 In which Pangloss finds out there is very little cause and effect on a consultant's invoice

In the days after Pangloss's 'final solution' to ending the chav problem in Westphalia-on-Sea was reported in the Westphalia Express all Hell broke loose. Not only were the usual suspects writing to the paper to point out that Pangloss's 'final solution' wouldn't work, but the Director of the Westphalia-on-Sea Hotels' Association publicly declared that he too thought the Mayor had possibly been a little over-zealous with some of his 'repopulation' plans.

Pangloss was snoozing in his chair in his office at the Town Hall when the phone woke him. He didn't usually nap at work, but last night he had slept fitfully after a nightmare, and had woken feeling decidedly unrefreshed. In the dream he was being chased along the seafront by three large palm trees with particularly sharp fronds. He had only escaped by rushing into a newly built casino. 'Hello, Dr Pangloss here' he said groggily into the mouthpiece.
'Pangloss, it's Toby from Complete C-'
'I know who you work for,' interrupted Pangloss. 'What do you want?'
'I just wanted to congratulate you on your 'final solution' and the discord it provoked.' replied Toby.
'You do?' Said Pangloss. I was beginning to regret it now that Mr Twist from the Hotels' Association has publicly disagreed with me.'
'Nonsense, conflict is brilliant. Takes everybody's mind off the last daft story. By this time next week nobody will remember that we were going to change 'Cote de Westphalia' to just 'Phalia'.'
'Do you think so?'
'I know so. Who did you say this Twist character was, anyway?'
'Director of the Hotels' Association.'
'Director? Director? I bet he couldn't direct piss into a bucket,' said Toby.
'Oh, that's a bit harsh, began Pangloss. With all the toilets being closed for so long he's probably had a bit of practice. I'm sure that with something with a fairly wide rim ...'
'It's a just a figure of speech, interrupted Toby, rather exasperated.
'Oh, I see. So you thought I did well, did you?'
'When your time as Mayor is over I can see a great future for you in the consultancy game. As a matter of fact we bumped into a local consultant when we down there last time. Bet she could do with an assistant. Now what was her name ...? She seemed to be quite well connected.'
'Yes, well my time as Mayor has a while yet to run, so there's no need to dwell on that now,' said Pangloss.
'Ok, well is everything ready for our big presentation next week? You've booked the hotel, I take it?'
'Oh yes, I requested everything you asked for.'
'Did you remember we want the orange juice with the bits in for breakfast?
'Yes.'
'And Kellogg's Fruit and Fibre. Not some random supermarket own brand.'
'Yes.'
'And no cardboard cut-outs in the hotel?'
'Yes, I've put you in a different hotel; do you mind me asking what the big idea is for the presentation?'
'Why, of course I don't mind, old boy,' said Toby.
'Well?'
'Well what?'
'Well what's the idea?'
'Oh, we haven't come up with that yet.'
'But you said ...'
'I said I didn't mind you asking. Which I don't. Look, it might surprise you but our modus operandi is often fairly lastminute.com, if you get my drift. Enables us to lick our finger, stick it up and see which way the wind's blowing, as it were. In this game you never know when you're going to have to switch horses mid-race, and if you show your hand too soon you've had your chips. If we leave things to the very last minute, however, we can react like lightning - we'll probably finalise it on the train coming down. Anyway, I think we've decided on which number will be at the bottom of the next invoice.'
'How can you do that, if you haven't thought of what the idea is? Surely the work you do and the cost are related?'
'Oh, now you've gone and spoilt it, said Toby. There was me thinking we'd make a consultant of you, and then you come out with something like that. Tish, tish. Dr Pangloss, tish tish. One minute I was thinking you could run a busy little consultancy firm, but now - he paused, searching for the right phrase; ah yes, but now methinks you couldn't run a greasy pole up a cow's arse.'
'Why's that then?'
'Because there is absolutely no connection between a consultant's work and the figure on his bill. Everyone knows that. You can't quantify what a consultant does. Did people pay Uri Geller per 'every spoon successfully bent'? Of course they didn't. He was paid to turn up and fill up a bit of TV time. Remember when he said he'd stopped Big Ben, just after it had stopped?' Remember when he said he had moved the ball off the penalty spot in that Scotland game, just after the ball had moved off the penalty spot? Marvellous. What you can do with a gullible audience, eh?
'Yes, but didn't everyone know that Uri Geller was a fake?'
'Everyone except that football team that went down the toilet, apparently. Now what were they called? Oh, it doesn't matter. Anyway, we're just like Uri. We'll come in, spout some rubbish, arse about with some graphics, get the bloody job done and get out.'
'But you said you'd finish it on the train. How can you prepare graphics on the train?'
'We can't -we'll just bring a selection: Cape Town, Dubai, Monte Carlo, then we'll just work them into the presentation. Probably won't actually need any of Westphalia-on-Sea, come to think of it. Anyway must dash - see you next week.'