Chapter 5 In which Pangloss learns about cause and effect from the new owner of Westphalia United

By the time Dr Pangloss had been in office for two years he had had so many brilliant ideas that many of the residents of Westphalia-on-Sea had taken to wearing sunglasses, so bright was the future which Pangloss had promised them. Around this time some Westphalians began to suspect that Pangloss was following the now famous philosophy of cause and effect, which had been used so effectively by the previous owner of the local football team, Westphalia United.

Westphalia-on-Sea had always had a football team which from time to time enjoyed a little success. Westphalia United had a little ground which comfortably held six thousand fans, although even when they were playing other teams off the park no more than three and a half thousand Westphalians turned up to watch. One day a mysterious man arrived in town and announced that he had bought the team. Apparently he didn't have any money, but he had borrowed a little bit and he would use that money to buy a little bit of the football club. After he had bought that little bit of the club he would be allowed to take all the money out of the club and use it to buy the rest of the club, and anything else he fancied. Most of the fans of the club thought this probably wouldn't work, for the simple reason that if you want to buy something expensive you need the money to pay for it. But before anyone could think too much about this upside down logic the mystery man announced his second idea: he would build a brand new football stadium next to the sea. It would hold about 20,000 people and could be used for all sorts of things, like the Olympics. At this point most people realised the mystery man was either clinically insane or a con artist, but Pangloss was truly inspired by the man who could buy things and build things without any money. So when the mystery man turned up at the Town Hall, instead of telling him to piss off and stop wasting everybody's time, Pangloss asked him to explain again (this time very slowly and in very simple language) how the buying-things-with-no-money-system worked. At this the mystery man had to come clean with Pangloss. He told him there was no system. All he was doing, was employing the philosophy of cause and effect.

'Cause and effect is rather like what magicians call 'misdirection', he explained to Pangloss. When a magician wants to make a coin appear in something like a hanky he simply directs the gaze of the audience away from the hanky with one hand, and uses the other hand to place the coin where he wants it to appear. The effect? Magic.'

'Do you mean to tell me that magicians do not really perform magic?' exclaimed Pangloss.
He was rather depressed at learning the truth about magicians, because he was a big fan of the dramatic arts, but he was quick to see the benefits of wholeheartedly adopting the philosophy of cause and effect. He realised that rather than have just one or two ideas which could be implemented and would actually work, it was much better to have a constant stream of daring (or as some Westphalians would describe them 'barking mad') ideas which would never work and would never see the light of day. It certainly was an audacious plan, but the mystery man pointed out that it had worked for him so far.

'Does this mean you won't be building a new stadium with no money, then?' asked Pangloss.
'Of course not, laughed the mystery man. You and I will have a little walk down around the proposed site at the seafront and have our photo taken for the Westphalia Express. Then in a couple of days' time I will move on to my next big plan, which will be to bring lots excellent players from the Czech Republic to the club.'
'And you won't actually do that either?'
'Now you're getting the idea, said the mystery man. All you have to do is make sure your big new initiative is so bold that it fills up a few pages of the Westphalia Express for at least a couple of days. Once people are engrossed in the new big idea the previous big idea will be conveniently forgotten.'

It was so simple it was genius. Pangloss realised that he really was living in the best of all possible worlds. He thanked the mystery man and showed him out, then sat back in his chair, smiled to himself, and in direct contravention of council directive 4, subsection 2 paragraph 5.3, leaned back and put his feet on the desk.