Pangloss checked his watch; it was 11.59. He began singing the chorus of the old song of the same name to himself as he flicked his radio on ... 'It's eleven fifty-nine and I wanna stay alive ...'. He always made a point of listening to the phone-in on Radio Heaven. The presenter, Dustin Dee was just introducing the first topic for discussion: 'Heather Mills-McCartney has been asking people to boycott tabloid newspapers, so we just wondered if you have any strong views on the subject. Can you believe what you read, or are they just a bit of fun? Our first caller on the line is Richard in Plymhole. Hello Richard, what's the point you'd like to make?'
'Well, it's more of a question really - what's got three legs and lives on a farm?'
'I don't know,' replied Dustin.
'The McCartneys! Ha ha ha ha!'
'Hmm, yes, very funny, but that's a bit out of date now isn't it? Couldn't you have changed it to 'what's got three legs and hangs around a divorce court'?'
'Oh, I never thought of that. Well it still made I laff, anyway.'
'OK, well thank you for kicking off the show on that lighthearted note Richard. Now Mr Candide is on line 2.'
'Hello Dustin. I just wanted to make the point that our local paper is part of the newsgroup that owns the Daily Mail, so we don't really have a choice of whose opinion we read on local affairs. The Westphalia Express is always printing stories about big initiatives and plans the Mayor is having, but they never amount to anything. I don't know what to believe. The latest one is about turning the town into a city. Now is that going to happen, and is it his idea or his consultants'? And how much is he paying the consultants?'
'A good question. Actually we had Dr Pangloss in here a few weeks ago and he said the problem is the way the newspaper reports what he says.'
Pangloss's ears pricked up. Was this a coincidence that he was being discussed on the radio? Oh, he was just being paranoid, he thought. After all he was the Mayor. As he was thinking all this they began talking about a different topic.
'David in Exhole, what point would you like to make?'
'Hello Dustin. Well I sent off for my TV licence the other day during the postal strike and it took three weeks for them to ...'
'Yes, I'm losing the will to live here, David. Didn't you phone in about this tedious topic last week?'
'Well, yes, but you asked me to update you, and now they've debited the money from my account so ...'
'David, you didn't believe me, did you? I only said that to fill up some air time. Do you think anyone out there really gives a tuppenny toss about your frigging TV licence? Personally I'd rather push my testicles through a rusty mangle than listen to another syllable on the subject of your poxy TV licence. With any luck you'll be dead before the TV detector van gets to your house anyway. Right, Christine from Eastphalia is one line 7, go ahead Christine.'
'Yes, well it's about this change over to being a city. What I'd like to know is will we have to move house, or will they just give us a new postcode?'
'Oh, no, neither. It's just a renaming thing.'
'And will we still be able to get Freeview?'
'Yes, yes.'
'Well how will it affect us then?'
'Well it won't really. I doubt if anything will come of it any time soon, so don't worry. Now Mike is a keen indoor bowler from Newton Bumpkin - Mike?'
' 'Ello Dustin. Yes, well on the subject of Westphalia-on-Sea becoming a city, I was thinking this: that there Manchester is a city and they got one of they, whad'yacallits, er ... Gay Village, eb'n 'em? Well, will we 'ev one of they down 'ere too? My mate Terry, ... no, not like that, Dustin, I'm a married man; ... well, he says it would be a good idea cuz them there gays, they got loads of money to spend, but the only things is it's different, see. 'E 'eard it on the wireless. Turns out they got pink pounds. Well, 'ev you ever 'eard that? What would you do if you got give one of 'em in your change? I'm not sure I'd like that. Well, you dunno where they've bin, do 'ee?'
'Well, Mike it's like this: the pink pound is just a term ... oh, no, this'll be quicker. Look Mike, if anyone does give you a pink pound just take it to the post office and they'll change it for you, or you could save them up and spend them the next time you're in Manchester.'
'Right you are, Dustin. Thank you very much.'
'OK, Wilf on line 3 thinks Ken Dodd should be given a knighthood. And apparently you've organised an online petition on your website; is that right?'
'That's correct, yes, Dustin.'
'And what's this website called? No, let me guess, is it 'irritating old twat dot com'? 'Utterly pointless use of the internet dot com'?'
'No, it's knighthood for Knotty Ash dot com.'
'Yes, we'll I don't think this conversation can go much further without one of us screaming, so lets go to line 4.'
Pangloss's phone rang before he had time to catch the next topic of conversation. He heard the rather breathless voice of Charlie Windsor at the other end.
'Pangloss, I've just heard him on the radio.'
'Heard who?'
'The bloke who's writing the Piddlebackside blog.'
'Steady on, said Pangloss. I heard that too, but how do you know it's him?'
'Because on his blog this morning he left a message saying he'd be on it.'
'Oh, Christ, said Pangloss. It's bloody happening. Just like that journalist said it would. It's the space-time continuum thingy. I think he's messing with our mojo, Charlie.'
'Right that does it. As soon as my blood stops boiling about the EU treaty I'm going to leave a message on his bloody blog.'
'Yes, a dose of his own medicine. That'll teach him.'
'By the way Pangloss; would you like me to explain Gordon Brown's position on the EU treaty and opt-out clauses using the convoluted analogy of tie-wearing at a golf club?'
'Maybe another time, Charlie, maybe another time.'
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17 comments:
Pepole of Westphalia should be pleased with their local newspaper the Westphalis Express. Here in Piddlebackside we have the Piddling Herald. Strangely enough their Editor, Pious Exceeding, joined forces with the only liberal in Piddlebackside, one Christion Bigot, to rid the greedy the principality of greedy councillors and replace them with a mayor costing three times as much.
In his Papal voice Pious said GO and behold it was done! One died away, another was harrised out of Piddlebackside, his wife and daughter fleeing by night as the stones thrown by Pious and Christian came dashing passed their ears. The rest were either not elected or joined with Pangloss to talk big, do nothing and dine out at the Emperess Hotel at the council tax payers expensive as often as possible.
God bless the freedom of speech in the Westphalia Express.
Your Heather Mills Mcartney jokes are just prosthetic.
Brian
Moses Barrington for Mayor!!
Don't you Christian Sweething?
U.R. Rumbled
Somehow I expected Candide to sound older
Charlie Windsor argues for a referendum on the Reform Treaty because he says its shares 95% of the same content as the EU constitution and is therefore the same thing, in to-nights Westphalia Express. Charlie further explains that the EU constitution apparently requires golfers to wear a tie unless they are British.
If I may use the analogy of East Phalia Zoo’s prize primate -Marcus the Chimpanzee to illustrate the calibre of Conservative candidates. Marcus the chimp shares 97% of the same DNA content as Charlie Windsor (as do all humans); so by Charlie’s logic Marcus the chimpanzee could therefore be Conservative Prospective Candidate for Torbay – provided, I suppose he plays golf and wears a tie with red lines.
Ah......if only Dustin Dee would go the way of a Yankee shock jock - would boost Radio Heaven (so named 'cos that's where most of their listeners are heading next) no end.
As far as I remember, Dustin's phone in is as shocking as you can get. I'm sure I've heard it being used to advertise certain outdoor sexual activities, as well as the benefits of Rook Pie...
Dr. Pangloss was on 'Radio Heavan' at around 7.15. I think they may have a listen again function so you can listen to him in his full glory.
The gossip is that Jenny had to print the blog out for Pangloss, and explain to him what a blog was.......
Re: the blog on BBC Radio Heaven this morning...Dr Pangloss said he 'screamed with laughter' when he saw it, he thought it was highly clever and funny, and was generally flattered that someone saw fit to write all about him and Torbay.
Thanks Anon
I couldn't see a listen again option for that show, though. I've emailed Dustin and have asked for a replay. Maybe if a few callers pick up the thread they may be persuaded to play it.
Thanks amused
Screamed is about right, I guess.
Sorry but I'd rather have electrodes attached to my testicles than listen to Radio Heaven at 7.15 in the morning. However, I'd be curious to hear Pangloss' reaction. Amused? He should be feeling a resignation coming on.
I'd rather have electrodes attached to my testicles than listen to Radio Heaven at 7.15 in the morning
Not a lot of choice twixt the two there I'd agree. Am assuming the former is the least painful option. So how are the talking hats oh one-time maker of mayors? Was it not the Westphalis Express that started the mayoral ball rooooooolling many moons back?
Ex hubby reports that Pangloss told radio haven that he was glad that there was 'nothing personal' in the blog.
There is rather a lot of reading here and Pangloss doesn't do detail so I don't suppose he has bothered to read it all.
Bit hard on Jenny after she went to the trouble of printing it all out for him.
I don't have any testicles (they were, urm, inadvertently removed during some earlier interregations by the Westphalian junta) but I would rather have my brains scooped out and replaced with porridge than listen to Radio Heaven at 7.30am in the morning.
By the way, can we cut out the one-legged jokes, please? Dave Boy Cameroon is currently pressing The Council to hire a team of diversity officers to polish the manners of local chimps, and this introduces a regressive tone to proceedings, I fear.
Guy
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