Chapter 8 In which we eavesdrop on a consultancy meeting

Derek Poundsign called his team of consultants into the meeting room of Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions to brief them on their new client and his requirements.

'OK, we've got a potentially very lucrative client on the line, so I want one of you to give this at least an hour of your time next week.'
A collective groan went around the room. 'Before you all start, I should say that there's an all expenses-paid weekend jolly down on the Cote de Westphalia in it for us. Now who wants to take it on?'
Raza Sharp broke the silence. 'What exactly do they want?'
'It's more a 'he' than they. As I understand it the Mayor down there is playing personality politics but his flow of dynamic initiatives for the press is in danger of drying up. He needs us to come up with a few headline-grabbing turkeys just to take the heat off him. We need to kick start things for him at a meeting with the council.'
'Why don't we start with the old rebranding trick? - that's always a pretty safe bet, suggested Raza.
'That's OK for most firms, but a town? Changing a logo's one thing, but we can't exactly suggest a change of name, can we?
'Why not? said Toby Throgmorton. It worked for Casterbridge, didn't it? That's Dorchester now.'
'No. It never was Casterbridge. That was just in a book. It was a fictitious town based on Dorchester - The Mayor of Bloody Casterbridge,' said Raza.
'Oh yeah, Oliver Hardy. I remember now.'
'Whatever. Anyway we're getting off the point, said Derek. But look, it might just work; this guy sounded pretty desperate.'
'Where's he the mayor of, then?'
'Westphalia-on-Sea. You know, on the Cote de Westphalia.'
'Well, that's it then, said Raza. Cote de Westphalia, that's five syllables - we tell them that's too much of a mouthful. Needs to be shortened to Phalia. 'Cote de' is much too French, and 'West' is superfluous - we all know it's in the West. Phalia is snappy, two syllables, streamlined, much more 21st century. Think of some words to combine it with. Off the top of my head, the town centre could be renamed 'Heart Phalia', the trading estate could be 'Business Phalia' and they could have a new wind farm called 'Power Phalia'. Who'd book a holiday to somewhere with 5 syllables in the name? Toby, make up some stats showing people are more likely to go to places with two syllables in the name. Let's have pie charts and bar charts, but I want them in pastel shades - no primary colours - we're not bloody amateurs.'
'Right you are.'
'Hold on, hold on, said Phil Muggins, who up to now had been silent. You're all going way too fast. This project has got 'slowburn' written all over it. We don't want to go in all bells and whistles right at the first meeting - we'll just create more work for ourselves in the long run. I say we go with Raza's name change idea, but do it very low tech. Let's start with a brainstorming session, get a bit touchy-feely with them and ask them for their opinions. Then we feed in the the new name, give them the old line about the danger of a weak brand, how you're percieved in the market, a few more supporting arguments, etc. and leave the mayor to sell it to the rest of the council. We give him our first invoice for something reasonable, say 10K, and head off for happy hour at the hotel bar, and leave him to deal with with the shitstorm over the daft name change idea.'
'I like the way you're thinking, Phil, said Derek. You've got your finger on the pulse as usual. That gives us at least four weeks before we have to come up with something more substantial. That's agreed then; rebranding bullshit for the first meeting, and then the next time we're down there we'll up the ante and put together some kind of powerpoint presentation.'