Chapter 7 In which a firm of consultants is hired

Dr Pangloss liked the word 'consultation' so much he couldn't get it out of his head. He liked it because it sounded important and professional. When he looked it up in the dictionary he liked it even more: 'A discussion between people or groups before they make a decision' it said, and 'a meeting with an expert to get advice'. 'Yes, thought Pangloss, consultation is exactly what is needed in my line of work. Lots of discussions with experts before any decisions can be made, and certainly before any idea can be put into practice. He thought how he might slip it into a conversation: 'What's happening with the casino idea Dr Pangloss? - oh, it's still at the consultation stage.' 'Any news on the high speed ferry, Dr Pangloss? - Yes, we've got a consultation session scheduled for Friday.' What a marvellously ambiguous word! Just then the word 'consultant' caught his eye - 'an expert or a professional person whose job is to give help and advice on a particular subject.' A wry smile began to play on Pangloss's lips, as another idea began to take shape in his brain. He thought about the stress he had felt before old whatsisname came up with the ferry idea. Why should he, Pangloss, shoulder all the responsibility for coming up with the big ideas? He had already come up with lots, but he really needed to have a good idea about once a fortnight. Jesus Christ on a bike! That was twenty-six a year. It was an impossible task. What he needed was a consultant. No, what he needed was a team of consultants. A group of people he could pay to come up with the good ideas. Hmm, that was a point - he'd have to pay them out of the council tax money that the residents of Westphalia had paid for essential services. Oh well, this was an essential service - he simply had to have that supply of big ideas - the office of mayor depended on it. Thinking of it like that eased his conscience. Still, probably best to keep quiet about it for the moment though - let's get the consultants in, get a few good ideas kicking around and then worry about who's doing what and how much they're being paid later. And anyway, it probably wouldn't cost much anyway - how much could ideas be? It's not as if ideas are made of precious metal, or have to be hand-made by skilled craftsmen, or have to be imported from the other side of the world. No, he was sure they wouldn't cost much. Loose change. Probably pay them out of the petty cash.

He flicked through the yellow pages and stopped at consultants. They all had fairly dull names, and he wondered if they would understand his rather special situation. It wasn't as if being a mayor was a very common job, so it was unlikely there would be lots of consultants out there with expertise in the area of improving business prospects and running a town. Then his eye was drawn to a firm called Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions. Well, you could have knocked Pangloss down with a feather. These were probably just the people he was looking for. He got on the phone at once. A young lady answered so quickly that Pangloss momentarily forgot why he was calling.
'Oh hello, is that the firm of complete c...'
'Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions. The voice at the other end of the line finished his sentence. It is indeed. How can I help?'
'Well, I'd like to speak to a consultant.'
'Let me see, Ms Sharp is with a client, but I think Mr Poundsign is free. I'll put you through.'
Pangloss explained his situation, and asked Mr Poundsign if he thought he'd be able to help.
'Of course we can help,' said Mr Poundsign.
'But do you fully understand the brief? The nature of the ideas I need is very specific; they must be essentially bad ideas that won't work, but presented in such a way to look fantastically exciting, dare I say, cutting edge. Eye catching. Something that could, ... er ..., produce a snappy headline or two.'
'Don't worry Mr Paintbrush, we'll sort you out.'
'It's Pangloss, actually. Dr Pangloss.'
'I do apologize, sir. It's a bad line. Where are you calling from?'
'Westphalia-on-Sea, actually.'
'Ah, the Cote de Westphalia, as I believe it's known. I've spent a few holidays down that way myself. Have they unlocked the toilets yet?'
'Er... yes ... no ... well, some of them. Look do we need to have a meeting or something?'
'Oh I don't think that'll be necessary. I know what you want - some crap ideas dressed up as good ideas.'
'Exactly. Do you think you'll be able to do it?' asked Pangloss.
'We're consultants, Dr Pangloss. It's what we do - our name alone should tell you the kind of people we are. Business and towns - it's our thing. We'll have a bit of a brainstorm, then come down at the end of next week, run a few ideas up your flagpole and see if anyone salutes them. How does that sound?'
'Fine. Shall I book a hotel room?'
'RoomS. Yes. Four doubles, I'll be bringing my team. Always looks better, especially at the beginning. Trust me, you don't want to start cutting corners and looking cheap. Five star, and sea views of course. Make the booking under Complete Commercial Upgrading & New Town Solutions, but ask them not to abbreviate; we've had that problem before. I'll be in touch. Bye.'